


There’s a Dog in Your Heart (It Tells You to Tear Everything Apart)

by adhdbuck



Series: Dog Teeth [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Amputation, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bobby Nash Being a Dad, Buck Centric, Buck Whump, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Tsunami (9-1-1 TV), Worried Eddie Diaz, eventually, i think that's good for now, if i post another chapter i'll probably add more tags as i go along, this is my first time posting a fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24351124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adhdbuck/pseuds/adhdbuck
Summary: Ask buck what he remembers about that night and he tells you he wouldn’t be able to tell you. He’ll tell you he was in too much pain to register anything, his brain stored all the memories away into a neat little box.That’s not the truth.(Buck's leg is damaged beyond repair, the doctors have to amputate. This is the aftermath.)
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Dog Teeth [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767055
Comments: 68
Kudos: 351





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AH! I've never posted a fic before, I usually just daydream before bed and that's it. there's something about Eddie and buck though, and this fic idea just got stuck in my head. I just decided to type this up and post it and see if I should keep going. I'm in love with angst and I plan on delving into buck's insecurity and his parents and of course the idea of his leg being amputated instead of just broken. 
> 
> (i ran it through Grammarly so I hope it's not atrocious, any criticism is extremely valuable!)

Ask Buck what he remembers about that night, and he tells you he wouldn’t be able to tell you. He’ll tell you he was in too much pain to register anything, and his brain stored all the memories away into a neat little box.

That’s not the truth.

Buck remembers everything. The pain, god, the fucking _pain_. He remembers seeing his crew, his family trying to lift the ladder truck off of them. He wishes that he could have told them to stop, that it wasn’t worth it. But they tried, and he loved them for it. The second they realized they had no hope of lifting the truck, setting it back down onto his already crushed leg. That was something he won’t ever forget.

He almost blacked out right there. Between his screaming and his damn leg being pinned underneath a damn ladder truck, he should have been passed out the second it had fallen on him. Something kept him awake though. Something made him remember every second.

So he remembers when everyone from behind the police line came to lift the truck. He pretends he didn’t, lets everyone show him the video from the news over and over and over again. He knows they mean well by it, to show him that people care. But all he can hear are the screams coming out of his mouth, and he can feel the bones of his leg being crushed.

And oh god… _his leg_.

“Hey there, Buck.”

He’d recognize the sweet voice anywhere, Carla. He should have cast her out as Abby did to him because all she was just a reminder of that time. But Eddie needed her, and Carla was there, and god she was just a good person for even being there for Buck.

“My mouth is dry.”

He doesn’t know why that’s the first thing to come out of his mouth, but it is. Carla, the sweet person she immediately goes into nurse mode. Bringing over some water with a straw, he feels like a kid, but in this post-waking-up-haze, he can’t help but sink into the feeling.

“Drink slowly, don’t want you choking to death after you just got out of surgery.” She smiles half-heartedly. An attempt at humor that Buck appreciates.

“Where’s Maddie?” He doesn’t see her in the room. He doesn’t see anyone else in the room.

“Well, you picked the exact moment I decided to kick everyone out.” Buck feels something click back in to place. Like when it seems the Jenga tower is about to fall but doesn’t.

He ignores it.

“Maddie went home to finally catch some shut-eye. Hen and Karen had to go home to take care of Denny. Athena had to drag Bobby home to eat something that wasn’t hospital food.” Buck grimaces, the number of times they’ve had to dine here no one had gotten used to it.

“What about Eddie?” He’s just curious.

“He was the one I had to force out the door. Looked like he was about to pitch a fit, I told him to go home and take a shower, he still had dust all over him.”

Buck was going to make a joke, come up with some stupid line, but he didn’t have time. He had been looking at Carla the whole time, looking for the other people in the room. He didn’t even have time to notice his leg.

It wasn’t in stir-ups like it should have been.

His leg was crushed they should have done surgery to set his bones.

“Buck…” Carla sounds far away. She’s drowned out by the sound of his heart monitor.

Buck doesn’t know where to look next. Except he does.

He rips the blankets off, he wishes he didn’t. He wishes he could go back a second, just one second. Where he didn’t realize his leg wasn’t in a cast like it should have been. When he didn’t remember the doctor saying he “didn’t know how it was gonna go.”

Because he’s looking at his leg, except it stops at the knee.

“Buck, I need you to breathe.” He doesn’t remember stopping.

Carla has his hands on his face trying to tear his eyes away from the bandages covering his wound. He wants to scream at her to tell her to leave, but all he does is look at her and lean into her arms.

“Oh Evan, it’s gonna be okay, you’ll see.” She’s rubbing his back, hugging him in the tightest embrace he thinks he’s ever had.

Buck’s not even crying is the thing. He has no reason to. He survived something that should have killed him. A suicide bomber seconds away from detonating? A ladder truck falling on him? He’s one of the lucky ones.

So he stays in Carla’s arms. He doesn’t know how long it lasts, but it feels too short.

“Would you like me to stay with you?” She’s too lovely, and he doesn’t know how someone can be that nice.  
Buck almost says yes, he almost begs her to stay. To just hold him, as a mother does. But he sees the clock, it's two in the morning. She should have been home a long time ago. So he shakes his head and musters up a smile.

“No, I’m probably just gonna go back to bed. You don’t want to stick around for that, do you?” He tries to make it believable, but he can see the doubt in her eyes. Buck doesn’t want her to feel obligated to stay. No one should feel like that. So he presses.

“Carla, I’m serious, I’m sure the nurses are gonna bust in here any second and kick my ass with some morphine or something.” He smiles harder this time, even coughs out a chuckle. None of it reaches his eyes, but Carla is tired enough not to see it.

So she kisses him on the forward and tells him to sleep tight, and he feels like crying just over that. He feels like crying over this strange feeling of motherly affection. The Jenga tower is shaking, but Buck has been keeping it up for too long to let it fall now.

He tries to stay true to his word and fall asleep he really does. But the covers are still off, and he can see where his leg stops. It’s covered in bandages so he can’t see the damage. He can’t see the salvage job done on the remaining tissue he had left. He can’t see it, and he doesn’t think he ever wants to. So he covers it up.

The next time he wakes up, there’s still one person in the room. He’s not as groggy this time, not coming off hours of surgery and anesthesia. But the lights in the room are bright, and the smile on Maddie’s face almost blinds him.

“Hey, Evan.” Her smile gets wider if you can believe it. He smiles back. It’s the least he can do.

“Hey, Mads.” She huffs at him. Just like she did when they were kids before she met Doug. When she would patch up his scraped knees and lecture him about the dangers of playground slides. Before she left.

“You know you gave us quite a scare there.” She stops. “How are you feeling?”

Buck wonders if she wants to hear the truth.

“Hey, you’re up!” _Too late_.

Chimney strides in, holding an atrocious bouquet of ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons. Buck almost feels thankful, but he knows it’s just for the joke, so he goes along with it.

“Oh Chim, you really didn’t have to do all of that for little ol’ me.” He even flutters his eyes. Chimney balks, Buck knows he caught him in the act.

“I’ll have you know I picked these out specifically for you!” He has the audacity to look hurt, it would have been a bit pitiful, if not for the fact that he was holding a giant bouquet of balloons, one of which being a teddy bear with an eyepatch. Buck wishes he could take a photo.

Maddie rolls her eyes, what else can she do.

They sit and talk for a while. Ignoring the burning elephant in the room. He wonders if he should just bring it up himself, just get it over with. But this is nice, just pretending nothing happened. That he’s only in a hospital bed hooked up to an I.V. for no reason. That would be nice.

But Chimney has a shift in 30 minutes, and Maddie wants to call in sick but Buck tells her to go, “I’ll be out in no time anyways.” He doesn't know if that's a comfort.

  
Buck doesn’t like being a patient, his nurses can tell you that. He’s not an asshole, he does what they tell him too, he lets them massage his wound. Lets them “exercise” it, if you could call light lifts an exercise. Still makes him sweat bullets though.

“Just a second more Evan.” The nurse said that three seconds ago.

He eats what they tell him to eat, what he needs to eat. He doesn’t have much of an appetite but when the doctor comes in he tells him that it’s completely normal to lose your appetite after major surgery. _Major surgery_.

His doctor starts talking about prosthetics and amputated limbs and rehab and physical therapy and medication and counseling and pain and grief, and Buck wants him to shut up.

The doctor smiles and leaves him with some pamphlets, he knows that Buck didn’t catch anything he said. Buck holds the pamphlets sure, and he looks at them yeah. But the words are all scrambled and it makes his vision blurry. _God, I’m crying_.

He wishes that the universe would just leave him alone, but the universe sounds like a telltale pair of crutches. So Buck wipes his eyes as quickly as he can and shoves the pamphlets under his blanket.

“Buck!” Christopher is a goddamn treasure, he’s so lucky to have him grace his existence.

“Hey buddy! Watcha got there?” Chris giggles.

“It’s a bear!” He holds it out to Buck like its gold, Buck wishes he could tell Chris that just having him there was enough.

“He insisted, we passed by the gift shop on the way up and he just had to get it for you.” Eddie. Buck didn’t even realize he had entered the room, like a damn ghost. You’d think the boots he wears would make more noise.

Chris looks up to his Dad and then to Buck, “Can I sit up there with you?”

“Sure bud.” Chris grins. But Buck forgot again, Chris was on his left side. There’s plenty of room on his left side for Chris to sit now. Eddie notices and falters.

“Are you sure? He can sit with me.” It’s awkward now. It was fine a moment ago, and now Buck remembered and now they have to acknowledge that stupid burning elephant. Buck wishes it would just go away and he could have his seconds in peace.

Christopher frowns, it’s Buck’s fault he’s not smiling anymore.

“Yeah it’s no problem, come on hop up.” He really hopes that didn’t come out too forced.

“Do you want to hear what happened at school?” Chris is happy again, so Buck nods.

He tells Buck everything, about the story they read in English, the math problems he helped the teacher solve, the science project that they could eat, Buck can’t help but smile and nod along.

Buck focuses on Chris because he doesn’t want to look at Eddie because he doesn’t know if he wants to see him. Is he disappointed? Does he pity him? Does he care at all? Is he wondering why he even came? After all, at the end of the day they’re just coworkers. _Just coworkers_.

Eddie looks at his watch and curses, Chris gasps.

“Dad you said you’re not allowed to say that word!” Buck can’t help but smile.

  
“I know I’m sorry mijo, but I promised your abuela we’d be at her house for dinner.” Buck looks up to the clock, it’s already five. He’s really lost track of time.

“But I was just telling Buck about today’s recess.” Chris starts to pout again, Buck wishes he could just hold him captive. But he can’t, because Chris is just his friend’s kid at the end of the day.

“Your gonna miss out on abuela’s cooking? You gotta go right now, who knows what she has cooking up!” Buck starts poking Chris’s sides, he gets a laugh out of him so he counts that as a win. Eddie looks relieved Buck is on his side this time.

“Okay, well, I’ll tell you later then!” Chris lets his dad help him down and grab his crutches. So determined for someone so young.

“I’ll be waiting to hear what happens.” Buck smiles again, it’s hard not to around the Diaz family.

Eddie looks like he’s gonna say something, it’s not like he had a chance to say anything, Buck doesn’t really know if he wants him to talk. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to hear whatever he’s gonna say, whatever that may be.

“See you later.” _Okay_. Eddie looks like he wants the floor to open up around him.

“See ya.” It’s weird and awkward and Buck just wants this to be over with.

“Bye Buck!” Christopher waves even though he’s a few feet away at the door. Buck laughs and waves back.

Then it’s quiet. All he’s left with is his heart monitor and the sounds of the staff outside.

  
He should be looking at the pamphlets the doctor gave him or practicing his exercises. He should be doing something then staring at his leg that ends too soon. So he picks up the bear that Christopher got him. It’s white with a red bow tied around its neck, cute.

Buck falls asleep.

He wishes he could stay asleep.

Just for a little while longer.

Just long enough that he can get past the flashbacks of the truck of that person standing in front of him with a bomb strapped to his chest. But he can never get past the moment the truck falls back onto his leg. Like he’s stuck at that moment on a loop.

He wakes up and it’s morning again, the doctor tells him that his stitches are healing up nicely. Buck should be out of the hospital by Monday. Barely a week of him being in the hospital and he’ll be back out. It’s weird, he feels like getting a limb amputated should keep him in the hospital longer. The doctor says everything looks good though, and Buck doesn’t feel like disagreeing with him.

The doctor starts talking about prosthetics again. And physical therapy. It makes him feel dizzy even thinking about it. He can’t handle simple exercises and they want him fitting for a prosthetic?

He goes through the motions. He smiles and nods at what the doctor says, they can have someone come in later and get him fitted for a temporary artificial limb. He nods.

The doctor leaves him with more pamphlets.

Bobby walks in after him. His captain.

Buck remembers.

He didn’t forget, more like he was ignoring it. He’s been ignoring. He didn’t want to face the idea that not only is his limb gone, but it took away his job with him.

“Hey Buck.” Bobby smiles, Buck tries so hard to smile back. It feels like the fakest one he’s made from the hospital bed yet.

“How are you feeling kid?” Buck looks at him and just, let’s go. He starts crying and crying and crying and god he feels like his chest is about to burst and his lungs are on fire and he just can’t stop crying.

Bobby’s holding him now, Buck wishes he could appreciate it more. But he’s clinging to Bobby like a child and he’s sobbing into his shirt and he’s pretty sure there’s snot mixed in there too but Bobby acts like he doesn’t mind.

“It’s okay Buck, I’m here, I got you.” Buck wishes he could tell him how much he’s longed to hear those words. Wishes he could tell him how much more of a father he’s been to him than his own flesh and blood. He wishes he wasn’t a coward.

But he’s all out of wishes so all that’s left to do is cry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to everyone who read my first chapter

A month goes by fast when you have nothing to do. 

Sure he has physical therapy to go to a few times a week. But that's all he does. Since there's nowhere else to go and your girlfriend dumps you because she didn't know that being a firefighter meant _danger._ Buck doesn't blame her leaving. 

Bobby told him to focus on recovery, "Don't think about the job right now, Buck, just get better, we'll talk about it after."

Buck knows it's just to make him feel better. How could Bobby ever let him be a firefighter again with just one leg? Sure the doctors say that they can give him a new leg, something that will work just like his old one, maybe even better. _How long will that take?_

He's barely progressing in his physical therapy. Maddie drives him to and from, telling him that the therapists said he did a great job that day. He just nods along, he doesn't want to tell her about the storm raging in his head. He feels like he's drowning. But the floodgates are still up and he can still fake a smile. As long as Maddie thinks he's fine, then he's fine. 

She's the only one who he allows to drive him there, Bobby offered but Buck declined. The captain has enough on his plate, he has a family to take care of, Buck can take care of himself.

Carla wanted to help too. Buck told her to focus on Christopher, _he needs her more than I do._

But they all still try to help in their own ways. Bobby comes by every week to give Buck containers of food, leftovers from family dinners. It's nice, makes him think of all the ones that he missed growing up. 

Carla checks up on him, calling him while she's watching Chris because she knows Buck won't miss a chance to talk to the kid. It's nice. 

Hen and Chimney stop by too, not as frequent, but Buck doesn't blame them. He's not much of a host. Most of the time he's lying on the couch, tired from too much exercise that day, tired from the pain shooting in his leg that's not there anymore, tired of being awake, just tired. They tell him stories, all the crazy calls that they had that week, they drink and laugh and avoid looking below his waist. Buck smiles and laughs and nods along. He avoids looking too.

It's been a month and he still doesn't know how to approach the topic. It should be easy, an amputated leg is a fairly obvious thing, even hidden under piles of blankets. He wonders if he should just tell a joke, make everyone feel more comfortable around him. But he doesn't feel ready, and it feels nice that other people are feeling discomfort. It makes him feel less alone. 

Eddie calls a few times a week. But the conversations are short and there's always something left unsaid. Buck wishes Eddie wouldn't bother calling at all, it would hurt less. But he's a glutton for punishment, every time he here's his phone ring and sees Eddie's name and that dumb face he's making that Buck can't believe he got a picture of and Eddie begged him to delete it, he answers quicker than he'd like to admit. 

The worst part is Eddie always tells him he'll see him soon. They both know it's a lie, but Buck goes along with it. Responding with a quick "Okay, see ya." He shouldn't, he should call Eddie out, but it's nice to live in a fantasy for a little while. 

Today was a bad day. The physical therapist wanted Buck to try walking with his artificial limb. It went terrible.

By the end of it he was sweating, he could feel the tears in his eyes swelling to the surface. He started getting snappy with the nurse helping him, so they called in his sister. That only made him angrier. He didn't want her to see him like this, struggling, she didn't need that. She was getting her life together she didn't need him to drag her down. 

So he gritted his teeth and did what they wanted him to do. If it made them feel better, if it made Maddie feel better, then he would do it.

The drive home was silent, Buck appreciated that. He knows that Maddie was gearing up to say something. She wanted to have a conversation, Buck didn't think he could handle that. So when he finally got down on the couch he pretended to fall asleep. He could hear Maddie walking around, doing the dishes, bringing clothes down from the loft, keeping herself busy. Buck wishes she would just leave, that he could tell her she didn't need to do anything for him. That would require a conversation, so he just lays there with his eyes closed. 

She leaves eventually before she goes she kisses him on the forehead and brings the blankets up to his chin. He pretends he's five again, it's a nice feeling, but she leaves and he's alone and the feeling is gone. 

Buck wakes up, he doesn't remember falling asleep, but he guesses that after pretending for so long his body decided to just grab a few hours of shut-eye. He can only tell that time has passed by the setting of the sun and the fact that he's extremely hungry. He doesn't remember the last time he ate that day.

He's groggy and hungry and he forgets about his limitations. So he gets up off the couch without his crutches, and he falls. 

"Shit."

He almost feels like laughing, how did he forget about his leg being missing? But he's too busy groaning in pain to laugh. He wonders if he laid there long enough, _how long would it take for anyone to notice?_

He lives alone, his friends have lives. They visit him on a schedule sure, but things come up. If he didn't answer his sister's calls would she keep trying to reach him, or just give up, just thinking that he's ignoring her.

Buck is so lost within the floodwaters of his own head he doesn't hear the door open. 

"Buck?" It's Eddie. _Of course it is._

Buck is glad it's Eddie, but he's also the last person he wants to see right now. He doesn't want Eddie to see him like this, sprawled out on the floor, damaged. Because that's not who Buck is, at least, that's who he tries not to be.

"Oh my god, Buck how long have you been like this?" Eddie rushes over, like some white knight. He's so gentle with Buck it makes him want to cry, but it makes him furious at the same time. Because Buck isn't fragile. At least he tries not to be.

"Not that long." That's a lie. He doesn't know how long. 

Eddie helps him sit up, _the saint_ , and now Buck is sitting on the floor and leaning on the couch and he's looking Eddie in the eyes and he wishes the ladder truck could have made him blind so he wouldn't have to see the pity in Eddie's eyes. 

"You can go now." Buck's had a bad day, he gets to be snappy. But he doesn't know if it's worth the hurt that flashes through Eddie's eyes, so he looks away.

"Buck -"

"I mean it Eddie. You can go." He can feel the gates holding back tears starting to crack, he wants Eddie gone before they do. 

"I'm not leaving, you're hurt let me take care of you." Buck looks at him. Eddie looks so _convicted_ and it makes something in him break so he looks away again. He really doesn't know how much he can take. 

"Why are you even here?" There's not much to look at, it's either Eddie or his leg, so he stares at his leg. The bandages are still there, Buck doesn't remember the last time he changed them, he doesn't have the energy, today's been rough. He can take one day off of taking care of himself. Just one. 

"Your sister called." _Of course she did._ Then Buck gets angry again, _of course_ Eddie didn't come because he wanted to, Maddie probably called him multiple times before he answered. Probably got Chimney to call him too. Eddie was probably just getting off of his shift and Maddie bombarded him. Asking him to check on her _idiot_ brother who can't even take care of himself. Buck knows that's how it went. Eddie has a kid to take care of he shouldn't even be here, he should be at home, not here, not with Buck. 

"Well, as you can see I'm fine," Buck gestures to himself, he stops at the waist, "so you can leave." Eddie sighs. He moves to get up, _thank god,_ but he stops when he looks at Buck's leg. _That stupid leg._

"Buck we're going to talk." Eddie goes to lift Buck by the shoulders. _No, no, no, no._

Buck is not fragile, he doesn't need help. He fell sure, but that's because he just forgot, he was groggy, he had a bad day, he's allowed to mess up just once. _Messed up a whole lot more than that._

So he moves away from Eddie, flinches away. A physical response he's never learned how to shake. Eddie looks hurt, it's not fair.

"Go." _Stay._

"Buck what is this about? I just want to help, let me help." He looks like he's dealing with a wild animal, he might as well be at this point. 

"I don't want you here." _I need you here._

"What are you talking about, aren't we friends? Didn't we make a promise, that we would have each other's backs?" Eddie looks like he means the words, Buck doesn't know why. He shouldn't even be here. 

"That doesn't really apply to this situation." They made that promise when Buck could have Eddie's back, it doesn't count when he isn't even able to stand up on his own. 

"Of course it does, what are you talking about?" Eddie's close to his face, Buck doesn't know when he got that close. _In a different time…_ Well, he doesn't need to go down that rabbit hole, not when Eddie's in his face. Not when Eddie shouldn't even be here. So he looks away.

"Eddie, please, I'm tired." It's not an excuse, he's always tired. It's the best way to get people to leave.

"No." Buck whips his head back up. 

"What do you mean _no_? This is my apartment you're in you know?" He's still trying to be civil, still trying to be Buck. But Eddie has always made it hard keeping that act up.

"Buck you need help, and we need to have a conversation, like adults." Eddie is no longer dealing with a wild animal, he's dealing with a child. Buck feels a switch flip. 

"Why do you even care Eddie? You have no obligation to be here. My sister asked you to check on me and I'm sorry she did that, but you did your duty. So you can leave now." Buck wishes he sounded strong saying that but his voice breaks too many times and he can feel the tears welling up in his eyes. It doesn't look very convincing. 

"Evan," don't _say my name like that, like you care, "what's_ wrong? Talk to me were friends, just tell me." _Friends,_ that word again. Just friends. Nothing more. There's a storm raging in Buck and he's drowning and it's all threatening to spill over. Eddie shouldn't be here for it. 

"Sure we're friends now. But how long is that going to last?" He needs to look Eddie in the eyes for this, to make it look like he means it because he does mean it. "We're coworkers Eddie, and if you couldn't tell, I'm not going back to work any time soon." 

"I don't know what that has to do with anything, everyone's still visiting you, we're a family not just coworkers." Eddie reaches out to touch his arm, Buck would love nothing more to lean into it. But Eddie shouldn't be here. He should go home, where he belongs. So he flinches away again, brings up his hand and brushes Eddie aside. The few seconds their skin connects is pure bliss, but Buck can think about it later when he's alone.

"Yeah they visit for now sure. But a month from now? When I haven't been around in the firehouse, they'll forget about me." Eddie will forget about him, _he needs to forget._

"Buck where is this coming from?" Buck can't help but laugh. It's not much of a laugh, just a cynical breath if nothing else. 

"I'm just telling you the truth. I'm just letting you know it's okay to leave me alone Eddie, I'm fine." The tears threatening to spill over contradict him. 

"You're obviously not fine. Are you on medication? Maybe—"Buck has let this gone on for too long he realizes, but he just wanted to be selfish for a while. 

"Eddie just go."

"Buck why are you being like this? Just talk to me!" Eddie is getting angry now, at least he knows buck isn't fragile enough to not get angry at, except he is. 

"I don't want to talk. Leave." This doesn't require him to look at Eddie anymore, so he soaks up what he can, just to be selfish.

"You know you're not the only one going through shit right now. Christopher's mom just died, my _wife_. You got a leg amputated I get that. But I've had to amputate limbs on the field and let me tell you, you're one of the lucky one's Buck." Lucky. He doesn't feel lucky. 

"I'm sorry I'm not dealing with my leg being amputated to your liking, should I get up and do a little dance? Make you feel better about yourself?" Eddie's not the only one who gets to be angry.

"Buck," Eddie wipes his face, he looks tired. _Tired of me._ "You know I didn't mean it like that. Just…don't you think it's time."

"Time to what?" Buck knows what he's going to say. He just needs to hear him say it.

"It's time to get over it Buck, move on. You got your leg amputated, but your life isn't over." It sure feels like it is.

"Fuck you."

"Evan -"

"No I'm serious. You don't get it, yeah you amputated limbs, but as far as I can see you still have all of yours. Firefighting was my life, I don't have anything else left. You don't just get to tell me to _get over it_." 

"You don't mean that."

"You obviously don't know me."

Eddie looks hurt and Buck wishes he didn't feel so satisfied. It means Eddie might actually get what Buck is saying, that he might leave him alone finally. They won't have to dance around each other, avoiding the elephant in the room. They won't have to pretend, that Eddie cares, that Buck isn't in pain.

Eddie gets up, this time all the way. He sighs. _Just go._

"I'm going to leave," _Good._ _~~Stay~~._ "because you obviously need space." _Right_.  ~~ _Wrong_ ~~ . "But this conversation isn't over, and we are going to finish it." _What?_

Buck thought he made a good show, he said what he had to, anybody else would have left. _Ali left and he didn't even need to do anything._ But here's Eddie and he's standing over Buck and he sounds so sure that it makes Buck want to cry. 

"Christopher misses you, so I'm going to bring him over this weekend." It's like they didn't just have a fight. Like Buck didn't blow up at Eddie. Buck wants to get mad again but he's too tired. Eddie seems to notice this, so he tries to lift Buck again. Buck makes a half-hearted attempt to move away, but at this point he'd like to pretend. Pretend that this portrait of domesticity exists in a dream, unaffected and untouched by all the ugliness of the real world. So Eddie lifts him up on the couch and Buck lets him. 

"I don't want him to see me like this." It's the truth. Christopher deserves him at his best, it's the least he can do. 

"He doesn't care, he just wants to see his Buck." Buck lays down, turns away from Eddie. He doesn't need to see his tear ducts betray him. 

"Okay." It's all he can muster out.

"Sleep well, Evan." Eddie leaves and Buck is finally alone. 

He closes his eyes and dreams of hazel eyes and rough calloused hands pulling him out of the dark. 

_It's nice to have dreams_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had cramps while writing this lol. 
> 
> I really hope you guys like it! I didn't even think anyone would read the first chapter and after reading the comments I got so happy and wrote this, which is weird because this chapter is like 99% angst. BUT, I hope you like this chapter anyways!! I really appreciate any criticism or ideas or like anything you guys would like to say, there was definitely some stuff I wanted to get out in this chapter so I hope it reads well. 
> 
> I also forgot Ali existed till the end of writing this, whoooops


	3. Chapter 3

For the first time since the accident, everything’s going surprisingly well. His prosthetic came in, perfectly fitted to him. He can walk up stairs now and he never knew how much he could miss his bed. There are rough days, where he didn’t put the prosthetic on right and he has to grit his teeth. There are other days where he’s too tired to walk on his own, so the station pooled some money together to buy him a cane. He really doesn’t want to admit to anyone how much he cried that night. 

He’s done the research, and he’s not the only firefighter who’s lost a limb. One had an amputation above-the-knee, another lost both of their legs. After reading and watching all of the news interviews it takes everything out of him not to fall out of his chair, _I can go back to work._ So he pushes and pushes and pushes. He runs faster, longer, carries heavier weights when he can, he leaves his cane at home. 

For the first time since the accident Buck has hope. 

But Buck is superstitious, and he knows the other shoe is about to drop, it always does.

So when Bobby invites him to dinner with Athena and the kids he almost declines. But he can’t say no to Bobby, that man has done for Buck than he probably knows. Buck would fall in front of a bullet for him, it’s the least he could do. And this bullet is a nice dinner, so he can’t really refuse.

It’s nice to get out of the house, and he can finally drive himself around, so going to Bobby’s is a nice excuse to just drive. The only real time he can drown out his thoughts, besides when he’s running. 

He guesses he should have noticed the abnormal amount of cars parked on the street, but he was too busy thinking of what Bobby cooked up to pay it any mind. He can’t ignore it when he walks in the door and his assaulted with his friends screaming surprise at him. They pull him into tight hugs and he savors every one. Especially when Eddie’s hand stays on the small of his back for a second longer than it should. Buck will keep that memory locked away. 

Even though they never finished their conversation, things haven’t been absolutely terrible. They haven’t gotten better either, but neither of them wants to approach the topic. So they stay civil when Eddie drops off Christopher, and Buck is courteous enough to offer Eddie something to drink when he comes to pick him up. Eddie is always too busy though, too tired. " _Next time Buck.”_ Yeah, _next time._

But Eddie is here, and he’s smiling at Buck, telling him he’s proud of how far he’s come, and Buck just smiles right back. Chris even hands him a card, Buck has a metal leg and is wearing his gear. He wishes he could have the imagination of an eight-year-old. 

It used to be easier for him to squat down to his level, but with a prosthetic it takes time. Chris doesn’t seem to mind. “‘Buck you are an awesome firefighter,’ thanks buddy.” Buck wonders if he smiles wide enough it could split his face.

Christopher doesn’t know it but the crude drawing gives him the hope he needs to go talk to Bobby. Things are looking good and he wants it to be even better. 

He guesses that's why he gets punished. 

It’s always been his problem. He’s given a little, he takes a lot. Abby gave him a few dates, he took more than she could handle, _that’s why she left._

“How are you doing Buck?” 

“I’m doing really good Bobby, I wanted to talk to you about that,” _Chest feels funny._ “I’ve been doing a lot of research -“ 

“Oh boy.” Bobby can’t help being a dad, he was born to be one. Buck just smiles back, but he’s having trouble catching his breath.

“I just wanted to tell you that -“ Why is he coughing _now_ , he’s in the middle of his speech, and _is that blood?_

Everything happens fast, if this was going to happen anywhere it might as well happened at a party with paramedics and firefighters.

Buck wonders if this is what he gets for having too much hope. 

He wakes up though, the doctor informs him he had a pulmonary embolism, they’re going to put him on blood thinners. It takes everything out of him not to throw up right there. Things were looking up, things were going his way. _It’s not fair._

“Hey kid.” Bobby shouldn’t even be here, he has a family to take care of. But here he is, Buck wonders if Bobby ever thinks about why is own family doesn’t come to visit him, he really hopes he doesn’t though. 

“Hey.” His mouth is dry and his voice is rough. 

“They tell you what happened?” Bobby’s good at looking concerned, one of those dad things.

“Embolism.”

“ I see -“

“They’re putting me on blood thinners.” God he wants to cry and throw up and scream and punch something. 

“Sounds about right.” Did Bobby know what Buck was gearing up to say, before his leg betrayed him, again. Is he happy this happened to him? That being a firefighter, doing his job, the only thing he’s ever been good at, is even farther from his reach. 

“Bobby I want to go back to work.” He might as well say it now.

“Buck,” Bobby sighs, _he’s disappointed,_ “You’ve just gone through multiple surgeries in less than a few months, just take it easy.” 

“I’ve been looking into it-“

“Buck.”

“There are other firefighters out there -“

“Buck.”

“One even went to work after five months -“

“EVAN.” Buck hasn’t heard his name said like that in a long time, and he wishes he could run away. He wishes he could curl into his body and disappear. Leave this room, permanently. 

Bobby sighs again, he puts his head in his hands. “Goddammit, Buck.” Its a whisper, but Buck hears it, he’s meant to hear it. 

“Bobby I, I need to work.” He really does mean it, without his job, what else is there for him to do. He almost lost it once, Buck is not going to let it happen again. 

“Have you looked at where you are Buck? You’re in a hospital bed, again. You had surgery, again. You are on blood thinners.” _You are a liability._ “I couldn’t have you out in the field, not in this condition.” _Never._ “Maybe behind the desk, but it’s just too risky to have you out there.” _Too risky to have you on the team._

Behind a desk. “No, you can’t do that.”

“Actually Buck, as your captain, I can.”

“Then I quit.”

“Buck.”

“I’m serious, I quit. You are not going to put me behind a desk. If you won’t let me do my job I’ll go somewhere else that will.” He’s serious. If Bobby won’t let him back, he’s sure there’s plenty of other stations that will take him, he hopes they will at least. 

After that Bobby just gets up and leaves. Good thing too because that’s when Buck’s tears decide to break out. 

Maddie comes with Chimney later, Chimney looks apologetic, Maddie’s about to rip him a new one. She yells at him for being so _stupid_ for putting his life on the line, _over what._ Buck’s tired so he tries to tell her, but she’s not hearing it. Just like she didn’t listen to him all those years ago when he just felt something was wrong with her new boyfriend. Buck was right about that, but maybe he’s just wrong about a lot of other stuff. 

She finally lets up, gives him a big hug. Chimney pats him on the shoulder. 

After he’s released Carla drives him home, he’s thankful to be spared another lecture. She makes him dinner and tuts at him when he tells her she doesn’t have too. She wants to spend the night, to make sure that Buck is alright, but he can’t see her sleeping on his couch, and Carla refuses to let him sleep on it. “Buck you slept on that thing for a month.” So he agrees to call her in the morning and she leaves. 

And he’s alone again with his thoughts. Everything was going well, and his leg betrayed him, because he takes too much. _I don’t deserve to have my job back._ It’s not the best thing to fall asleep thinking about. But he does regardless, that night and every night afterward. Every day, every afternoon, every second. 

Until someone’s pulling the covers off of him. 

“Come on get up.” _Are you kidding me?_ Eddie has a way of weaseling his way into Buck’s life. Even when he doesn’t want him there. So Buck just pulls the covers back over him, he really doesn’t want to deal with another _conversation_ today. 

Eddie just laughs at him and pulls the covers all the way off, Buck fails to see where the joke is. 

“Why are you here?” He tries to make the words bite, but that’s hard to do in the morning, hard to do when it’s Eddie. 

“Because you need to get out of the house.” If Eddie had a superpower it would be to make stupid things sound like they make sense.

“Why? What’s the point.” If Buck had a superpower it would be to make anything sound cynical. 

“Just because you’re not a firefighter anymore doesn’t mean your life is over Buck.” _Easy for you to say._ So he decides to say it, what the hell right? He’s got nothing left to lose. 

“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say.” It doesn’t feel as good as he thought it would. 

Eddie sighs. Maybe if Buck keeps pushing with this way of thinking, just maybe Eddie will leave him alone, for good. He’s about too even, but as soon as he reaches the bottom of the stairs he hears him. 

“Hey Buck!” Christopher, Buck wonders if they could package him, sell him as a drug. He’s told Chris that, he just scrunched up his face and told Buck he was funny. 

“Christopher, what are you doing here?” Buck looks at Eddie, he’s got a smug look on his face. _He planned this._

“He’s hanging out with his Buck today.” If Buck wasn’t feeling _bullied_ , he could have appreciated the sentiment. He does, a little. 

Christopher smiles up at him and all the ugliness swirling around his head fades to the back. He looks back at Eddie and Eddie is just looking at him, like he knows. Buck accepts defeat, he could never win against a Diaz. 

Eddie knows this, he just pats Buck on the shoulder. “Hey who knows, maybe you’ll learn something.” Buck can’t help but laugh at that. Then Eddie’s out the door, on the way to work. Somewhere Buck won’t be going back to, but Christopher is here and that’s what he’s got to focus on. 

“So what do you want to do today buddy?” The least he could do is let Chris choose, he doesn’t know if he would want to even hang out with himself. He knows he doesn’t. 

“I wanna go to the ocean!” Buck remembers the card he gave him, the one on his nightstand, the ocean was in the back and there was a surfboard between him and Christopher. 

“Alright let me get dressed and we’ll head down to the pier then.” 

He feels a limp coming on, and the pier means a lot of walking around. He’ll bring his cane. 

Buck wonders when the other shoe will drop. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can anybody guess what's next >.>
> 
> i know things aren't super accurate to the show dialogue, but I wanted it to be at least a little different. hope you guys like this one its a bit shorter but I hope its still lives up to what y'all are expecting 
> 
> also! i guess I should plug my Tumblr? its adhdbuck.tumblr.com if ur curious 
> 
> thanks again for reading!!


	4. Chapter 4

It's a beautiful day, the forecast calls for sunny skies and high temperatures, the perfect day to go to the pier. _Eddie probably planned the weather too._

But he's here with Christopher, and that's all that matters. Except the staring, that's the one thing he doesn't think he'll ever get used to. 

He doesn't know if people are staring because they recognize him as the amazing, heroic firefighter who's saved countless lives millions of times, or because he's an amputee limping around with a cane in shorts showing off his prosthetic leg and hanging out with a kid on crutches. Buck likes to think it's the former because if he doesn't, he might start throwing punches at the next teenager who points at his leg and laughs. 

Chris is having a good day, so that's all that really matters. He doesn't care about everyone staring at him, he just keeps moving and moving, and Buck has a hard time keeping up. He wants to tell Chris that he's limited, that he needs a break. But just looking at Chris, those just sound like lame excuses. So he lets Chris drag him around, it's nice to be a kid for a little while. 

He guesses he'll have to thank Eddie in person after this. Buck decides to send a picture instead. 

They do everything and anything Christopher wants, he wants to play scam fair games? Buck will shill out as much money Chris wants. He wants to take pictures in the photo-booth? Buck will make the funniest faces imaginable just to make him laugh. Chris wants to win a huge bear? Buck is going to get him that huge bear.

Then there's a commotion, and the mascot is on the floor, _heatstroke._ Buck wants to rush over, but the paramedics are already there. He wonders if they didn't show up if he was the only one there that could help that poor schmuck in a ridiculous costume, could he make it in time. He's done the mock training on his own over and over again, and he _knows_ he could pass the physical in record time. _But Bobby._

His captain didn't even believe he could do it; all he saw was a liability. Someone that's not worth the risk.

Chris tugs on his hand, and Buck realizes he can't go down that train of thought in the middle of having a 'fun day' with Chris. _Eddie planned that too._

Buck tells him he just needs a break, Christopher doesn't seem to mind.

Buck finally has the chance to _sit_ for a second. He'd like to massage his leg, but it's mostly made of metal, and Buck doesn't know if it would help that much. So he just sits there and holds Chris as he looks out into the ocean. 

People stare, Buck finds himself caring less. 

"Do you ever think about what you wanna do with your life?" He feels a bit weird, asking a child an existential question. But Chris is smart, even for an eight-year-old.

"Hmm, an astronaut, or a pirate." Chris giggles, like it's obvious. Buck smiles back. He wants to believe Chris. He wants to live in a world where Christopher can be an astronaut with cerebral palsy, and he can be a fireman with a prosthetic. But reality is cruel. He doesn't want to be the one to tell Chris that. That's something he'll figure out one day, and right now he's still just a kid with dreams. Buck was one once too. 

"But if that doesn't work out, though, I want you to find something that makes you happy." Buck knows it isn't his place to tell him all of this, that it's the job of a father to give this speech. But somewhere in the back of his mind, he feels like one to Chris, even though he'd never dream of telling Eddie. If all he's seen as 'fun Buck' then that's enough for him, but he thinks he deserves one pass to get _emotional_. 

"Something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. Something you can do for the rest of your life." _Something that I don't have._

Buck wonders if Chris understands what he's saying. If someone told Buck any of this at his age, he probably would have been to busy counting ceiling tiles. _No one ever cared enough anyways._

Chris just turns to him and puts his hand on his face. "You're gonna be okay, kid." _God._ This kid doesn't even know how much he needed that. It feels silly, but Buck just lets himself live in the moment. 

Until. 

"Where did all the water go?" 

It doesn't register at first. Not even when the sirens start blaring. Buck just looks out into the ocean, _the empty ocean._

Then it just hits him all at once. 

_So this is the other shoe._

He doesn't even think he just grabs Chris and starts running. He yells at other people to run too, he may not be a firefighter anymore, but he can at least try to save _one_ life. One other life, because he will not be letting Chris die. Not today. Not ever, not if Buck can help it.

But Buck can feel the tides towering over him, getting ready to crash down. His prosthetic is slowing him down, taking all of his energy, but he has to get Christopher to safety. So he sees one of the booths and all but throws Chris over into it. 

Then it hits. 

Neither of them really had a chance. 

A tsunami can travel at 500 miles an hour, did Buck really think he could outrun it? Did he really think he could protect Chris from a natural disaster?

Buck realizes he's been underwater too long, and he's starting to forget which way is up, and he doesn't have Chris with him. If it's the last thing he ever does, he is not letting Chris out of his sight, _even_ _if it kills me._

Buck finally breaks to the surface (he never knew breathing could feel so good and hurt so much at the same time), and he starts calling out Chris's name. When Christopher finally answers, well, wave of relief wouldn't be the best analogy at the moment. 

He never got the chance to practice swimming with his prosthetic. The prosthetist told him that it could get wet, some of the parts were water-resistant, but it was best to keep it out of the water. The ocean had other issues, mainly sand. It could corrode his prosthetic over time, and Buck knows he has sand _everywhere_. His prosthetist didn't give him the rundown when it came to the ocean falling on top of him. But he does his best. He has to do his best, Eddie is counting on him to protect Chris. 

_Eddie._

But Buck can't think about him right now. He has to focus. Focus on grabbing Chris, even though the water is fighting to keep them apart. 

"Buck, I can't hold on." Chris is scared, Buck is too. 

"Just stay there okay, I'm coming to you." He's screaming over the ocean, it's trying to drown out his voice, every time he opens his mouth it fills with saltwater and he knows it's trying to eat away at the metal in his leg. 

Buck never knew that quitting from firefighting meant he would have to fight an ocean. But he'd do it any day if it meant Chris was safe and could go back home to Eddie. He floats by Chris and almost drowns himself right there for not being able to reach him. 

It can never be easy for Buck, it never has been. But Chris is finally tired and let's go and Buck panics and grabs him. Buck just thanks the same god that's been punishing him his whole life for letting him at least do one thing right. 

Except that god seems to have a sense of humor because the highest ground they can reach at the moment is a firetruck, _figures._

"Come on Chris pull yourself up." Buck helps as much as he can but his arms are tired from treading water and he can feel like his body is about to give out but he has to keep going, just a little bit longer. Chris is strong, though, and Buck needs to be stronger for him. 

One of the things he practiced in physical therapy was making up for the weight in his leg. It can support him, but he won't be able to control it as much as he could with flesh and blood. Pulling himself up would always be hard. So he practiced and practiced, he even went indoor rock climbing because he used to think that maybe if he worked out, enough Bobby would have to put him back on the team. 

Buck wonders if they're even still alive. 

But he shakes those thoughts out of his head. The 118 is farther in the city, they'd be fine. 

At least he hopes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it felt weird to end it there but also like, who doesn't love a good cliffhanger?
> 
> as always thank you everyone for reading!!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to kbl55429 for this chapter idea!

“Help!” 

Buck almost wonders if he could just pretend he didn’t hear it. 

“Buck we have to help her.” _Who could say no to a face like that?_

“Okay… okay, stay here Chris. Do not move.” There’s not really anywhere Chris could go, but he says it anyway. If just for his own sanity. 

He does a once over on his prosthetic, it’s definitely seen better days and he wonders how mad his insurance company is going to be at him for messing it up. _If I even live through this._

Helping people feels good, Buck feels that tell-tale sense of pride. It always got to his head and he always took it for granted. It’s nice to hear people thank him when he pulls them up onto the roof of the truck. Nice to know that he can still save them. But at this moment in time, he doesn’t have any energy left over to revel in the moment of being a hero, not that he feels like one when he sees the countless bodies float by. People that he could have saved. _Focus on Chris._ Focus on getting him home, on distracting him from the horrors of this reality. 

Buck doesn’t know how long they’ve been up there, it could be an hour or two, he’s not really sure.

In the middle of playing a simple game of ‘I Spy’ Buck’s mind is racing. He’s racking his brain, trying to remember what he knows about tsunamis from late-night Wikipedia deep dives. 

That’s when the water starts receding.

That’s when he remembers.

_Tsunamis hit more than once._

All that water, the ocean wants it back, it’s not done wreaking havoc. 

Then the truck rocks and Chris falls off. It doesn’t even take a second for Buck to jump out after him. He just hopes everyone else on the truck will be fine without him, but he can’t think of them. Not when Chris is ripped back out into the ocean. 

It’s a miracle he grabs him as fast as he does. It’s even more so when he catches onto a fire escape to wait out mother nature. 

Buck holds onto the fire escape with one arm and keeps Christopher close to him with the other. Chris just clings to Buck like a lifeline. They’re both gasping for air, the ocean doesn’t want to let up, but it eventually does. There’s only so much water that can fit into the city. Only so much torture a vengeful god can dish out. 

Buck opens his eyes, he doesn’t remember closing them. He’s afraid that if he looks out to the street he’ll see water, but instead he sees the road and complete destruction. 

“Buck?” Chris has his eyes closed too, probably afraid of the water too. Buck just wipes the sand and dirt off of his face. 

“It’s alright buddy, we made it through.” _For now._ He shakes the thought, he needs to be on his A-game, Buck can’t think negatively. He has to get Christopher home. 

It's hard, maneuvering back down is hard, it would have been hard if he was by himself with a prosthetic, or with Chris without one. All in all, the situation is not an ideal one. The moment his foot touches the ground he looks back to where the ocean is, wondering if this is all just one big trick and another wave will come down on them. They probably couldn’t make it through another hit. Buck sure couldn’t.

He takes this time to look over Chris. Just a couple scrapes and bruises and a nick on his cheek, _lucky kid._

“Buck you're bleeding.” Christopher reaches out to touch his head and his hand comes back soaked in blood. _Stupid blood thinners._

Buck just ruffles Chris’s hair, “I’m alright kid, didn’t your dad tell you?” Christopher shakes his head. “Head wounds always bleed more, it’s not even that bad, see?” To prove his point he stands back up and gives Chris a twirl, his prosthetic creaks, and Buck ignores the intense nausea that shoots through him. _Just stay strong for a little while longer._

Christopher still doesn’t look convinced, and Buck can’t help but smile back at him. _He looks so much like his dad._ “Come on Chris, let’s get you home okay?” Christopher just nods as Buck moves to pick him up, they’ve got a long journey ahead of him. 

One second the sun is out and the next is pitch black. Buck isn’t sure when the sun went down he just knows that at one point he could see miles in front of him and now he’s just moving from one bonfire to the next. It’s the only thing keeping him awake, _just keep moving._

People see him and try to make him sit down, Buck just smiles and shakes his head. If he sat down he doesn’t know if he could get back up. He accepts the water though, makes sure Chris has enough to drink before he tucks his head back into the crook of Buck’s neck. The short breaths on his collarbone are the only thing keeping him up. 

His prosthetic was fit perfectly to him, it’s only been with him for a few months but he’s used to his new leg. But right now he can feel it digging into what’s left of his leg, he’s pretty sure it started bleeding at the start of all this. _Move._

“You still with me Christopher?” They haven’t spoken in a while and Buck needs to keep Chris awake, just in case. 

He can feel Chris nod up and down and Buck huffs out a laugh. “Come on bud, need a verbal conformation, over.” _Keep moving._

“Buck.”

“What was that? Couldn’t hear you, over.”

“Buck.” _He’s laughing at least._

“Say that again, over.” _Move._

“Buck why did you stop walking.” It’s not fair, Buck can clearly see the triage tents set up, they’re almost there but he just can’t move. He tries, but he can’t get his body to listen anymore. _Lost too much blood._

He sees firefighters, at least he thinks. His vision is too blurry. It looks like they’re rushing over though, and one of them takes Chris from his arms. He wants to fight back, but there’s none left in him. Buck’s not even sure how he’s still standing up until he collapses into familiar arms. 

He’d recognize that fatherly embrace anywhere. 

“What the hell happened to you kid?” _Bobby. D ~~ad.~~_

“We went to the pier.” 

And then Buck passes out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was a bit harder to write not sure why but I hope you guys still like it!
> 
> i really appreciate all of the comments you guys are the absolute sweetest ever! whenever I get writer's block I just read your comments and start writing, it really means a lot


	6. Chapter 6

Buck doesn’t expect to wake up. At least, not as fast as he does. It can’t even be more than thirty minutes when his eyes open, and he’s looking at the tarp ceiling of a makeshift triage tent. 

“Hey, Buck.” _Hen._

“Where’s Chris?” He makes to sit up but the pain in his ribs and Hen’s steady hands keep him from moving. 

“He’s okay, he’s safe. You got him home Evan.” She moves to the side so Buck can see Eddie holding Chris as he gets checked out by Chim, _thank god._

“I almost lost him Hen. The truck…I almost lost him.” Christopher is saying something, Eddie laughs. If Buck was just a second late if he didn’t grab Chris… _Eddie would have killed me._

“But you didn’t Buck, okay? Don’t think about that.” Buck wishes he could be grateful to her, not just for these words but for _everything_. She’s been filled in the role big sister when Maddie had vacated the spot. But he just can’t hear the words and the tarp is more fascinating to him at the moment as tears slip down the side of his face. 

“You’re a hero, Buck.” 

“Bobby?” 

“Hey, kid.” 

And Buck can’t _not_ look at his captain, well not his captain but it’s hard to just forget years of following the man’s every move. 

Bobby pulls up a stool to sit on his other side, his _left_ side, and Buck doesn’t want to think about it for the moment. He can’t feel the pressure on his knee anymore so he’s sure that it was removed as soon as they got him down. 

“Ca- Bobby I, I’m…” _What? Sorry? For what, for sticking up for myself?_

Bobby just shakes his head.

“Buck what you did today was absolutely reckless,” Buck flinches at that, makes a move to talk, Bobby just puts a hand up and Buck closes his mouth. “You are on blood thinners, you’re barely done with physical therapy, you’re working with a prosthetic,” _I know all of this._ “And I don’t know if I have half of the strength to do what you did today.” _Oh._

“Cap I…” Buck is known for how much he can talk, give him a second of your time and he’ll tell you all the _interesting_ facts of worm anatomy. It takes a lot to shut him up, and hearing Bobby say that, well, Buck doesn’t know what to say. 

“It’s true Buck, I spoke to some of the people you helped rescue today,” _The ones I abandoned._ “They told me what you did, that you kept going back out into the water and bringing them up on the truck, even though you were in pain you kept going.”

“Did they…” 

“They’re all fine.” There’s a lot of strings holding him up, Chris was one, that was another. Now he feels like he can finally breathe for the first time since this all happened. 

“Like I was saying, what you did today was reckless and you could have gotten yourself killed,” _Way to ruin the mom-_ “That’s why I want you back on the team.” 

_What._

“What?”

“You need someone watching your back, and I don’t trust any other station to watch after you more than us.” Bobby smiles, but he looks worried. The last conversation they had wasn’t the best, Buck remembers. They both do. 

“If you’ll have us.” He almost forgot Hen was there, except for the constant presence on his hand. 

“I - “

“Buck!” There are no crutches, just the sound of heavy boots making their way over. Buck looks away from Bobby and there they are,  ~~his~~ the Diaz boys. Eddie sets Chris down and Buck finds himself wrapped in the tightest hug, he’d appreciate it more if his ribs weren’t bruised. 

“That’s enough Christopher.” Eddie tries to pull Christopher off of him, but Chris just shakes his head. “No, I don’t wanna let him go.” Eddie just looks back to Buck, looking sorry. But Buck doesn’t want him to be, even if Chris’s arms were made out of knives he would still hug him.

“Hey it’s all right Chris, I’m okay, see,” Buck maneuvers Chris so his head is on his chest, “Hear that? That’s my heart, it’s beating right?”Chris nods, and Buck can see a smile forming on his face, Buck has done his job. 

And the loosened grip on his ribs is just an added bonus.

They’ve been chatting for a while and Chris had fallen asleep sometime ten minutes ago but Eddie has made no move to take him off of Buck’s chest. Buck appreciates it. 

Bobby clears his throat, “Buck what I said earlier, I don’t need an answer now. Take the night to think about it okay?” Bobby holds out a hand for Buck to shake, he takes it. He’s grateful for Bobby giving him time because honestly, it hurts to even think. 

“Alright everyone, shifts over, go home to your loved ones, and take tomorrow off.” _Once a captain always a captain._

“Well, cap’s orders I’m outta here.” Chimney gets up and grabs Buck’s hand, a comforting sort of brother grab. “Maddie’s gonna wonder what you were up to today, I can only keep her off your back till morning okay?” Buck laughs and Chim smiles back.

“Karen and Denny are probably asleep, and I am _so_ ready to join them. Take care of yourself, Buck.” Hen puts her hand in his hair and ruffles it, Buck wants to tell her not to treat her like a kid, but it feels nice. “See ya, Hen.” 

It’s just him and Eddie, and Chris passed out on top of him. Buck could live in this moment forever, but he knows that they have a home to go back to. Buck does too, but it doesn’t feel like one as much as it does then being out surrounded by his crew, his family. 

“So are you ready to go home?” Buck would assume that Eddie was talking to Chris, except Chris can definitely not hear him all the way in dreamland. “Buck?”

“You’re talking to me?”

“Who else would I be talking to?” Eddie makes a face, the one he always makes when Buck says something ridiculous, it makes his heart melt a little every time he does. His heart is basically a puddle by this point. 

“Like, to your house?” Buck’s not dumb, no matter what Chimney says. But he just has to make sure, that he’s not making this up. That he’s not just hearing things. 

Eddie just smiles and lets out a little sigh, Buck wonders if hearts can evaporate after being turned into puddles. “Yes, idiota.”

“Hey, I know what that means!” 

“That was the point.” 

This is nice, but Buck doesn’t get to have _nice_. The nagging voice in his head reminds him of that, that something always happens. The other shoe always drops. 

“Come on Buck, let’s get you home.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realized i didn't have Hen in this fic as much so I tried to add her in more, she's like the best
> 
> also I think the next chapter might be the last one? it just feels like its coming to an end, but I plan on doing eddie's pov sometime in the future. though there are some other fics id like to write first
> 
> like hypothetically if u were to read a buddie au would u want to read cowboys or highschool, asking for a friend


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading!

The drive back to Eddie’s was quiet. Not awkward or tense, just quiet. The only noise was the sound of Christopher’s light snoring and the music on the radio playing too low to know what the song even was. 

Traffic was surprisingly light, considering there was just a natural disaster, but Buck guessed everyone had decided to settle in for the night, or technically morning. Since by the time they piled into Eddie’s truck Buck finally got a glance at the time, which told him that he had carried Chris a lot longer than he thought he had been. If he thinks about it he barely remembers any of it, Buck had lost too much blood. Hen told him that they were surprised he made it as far as he did, he was surprised too. 

His prosthetic was also surprisingly sturdy as well, back on his leg where it belonged. Bobby had flushed out all the sand and dirt, making sure all the parts were still screwed in and where they belonged. The only reason it had dug into his skin was that the second time he jumped after Chris the wave had jostled it. Buck didn’t have time to fix it so it just caused more harm than it needed to. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Buck wondered if it was what he deserved. 

But before he could dwell on it any longer they were parking in front of Eddie’s house and Eddie was telling him to wait in the passenger seat. Buck wanted to protest, but the look on Eddie’s face told him that it wouldn’t work. So Buck waited for Eddie to hop out and get Chris from the back seat, watched him walk to the front door, and into the house. 

Something was going to happen, Buck knew it. _Maybe I can just sit in this car forever._ Then Eddie walked back out of the house and Buck’s hopes of sinking into the passenger seat and disappearing forever were dashed as Eddie opened the door and held out a hand for him. 

“How chivalrous.” Even if he was deprived of blood Buck couldn’t help but be a smartass, Eddie just rolled his eyes. “Come on Buck.” Buck rolled his eyes right back, t _wo can play at that game._

He grabbed Eddie’s hand and ignored the way his heart gripped, ignored the way how good it felt when Eddie slung his arm around his shoulder. Ignored how close they were together, pressed up against each other. 

Buck was glad that they were standing side by side because all the blood left in his body was going straight to his face. And he prayed to a god he didn’t believe in that it wasn’t headed down south, Buck doesn’t know if he could survive it. 

By the time they made it inside and into the living room Buck was panting slightly and he could feel the sweat forming on his forehead. The last time he felt like this he was in physical therapy and his therapist had pushed him far that day. Buck had snapped that day, not his proudest moment. But if Eddie noticed he didn’t say anything, just went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and a napkin. Buck sent him a silent thank you. Eddie just smiled and sat down next to him and turned on the T.V. to some channel neither of them planned on paying attention to, there was so much left to say between them and Buck didn’t know who would start it first.

They sat like that for a while, before Buck’s leg started vibrating and he just couldn’t hold it in anymore. Apparently neither could Eddie.

“Bobby said -“

“Buck I -”

“You go first.” 

They just both looked at each other and laughed, laughed until Buck’s ribs started to hurt again and Eddie went back into the kitchen to get some frozen peas. 

Eddie just looked at him, and Buck took it as a signal to go first. “Bobby wants me back at the station.” It was a statement, but Buck couldn’t help the lilt at the end of his sentence. Like he was looking for approval from Eddie. 

Eddie was watching the T.V., but Buck knew he wasn’t _really_ watching. “Do you think that’s a good idea?” Sure, Buck has almost died in a restaurant, been crushed by a ladder truck, had his leg amputated, been thrown around in a tsunami, lost Christopher, but that question. It hurt more than all of it. 

“What are you trying to say, Eddie.” Buck couldn’t help the way his voice sounded rough and _broken._ He was just so tired, tired of being looked down upon, especially by the people he loved the most. 

Eddie just sighs and rubs a hand over his face, he’s tired too. _Tired of dealing with me._ He wasn’t the only one. “You know what, I’m just gonna go. I’ll call myself an Uber.” Buck went to get up but Eddie shot out a hand, Buck couldn’t help but look over to him. Eddie really did look _tired_ , but his eyes said stay. Buck hoped he wasn’t misinterpreting as he sank back into the couch. 

“God, Buck just let me talk okay? Just let me say what I have to say and then you can walk out on me out okay? You don’t have to ever talk to me again, ever look at me again, if you just _listen_ to me this one time.” Eddie couldn’t say anything to him that would make Buck leave his side. The realization hurts, but it’s something he resigned to a long time ago.

Buck is breaking apart and Eddie’s voice is the only thing keeping him together, so he nods.

“You just,” Eddie sighs. “You make me so angry Buck.” And Buck wants the conversation to end right there. He knows that Eddie hates him, hates him for losing Christopher. Hates him for being _him_. “Because you scare me, you terrify me. Ever since you walked into my life, I have never not been scared of what might happen to you.” _Wait, what is -_

“I’m in love with you Evan. So much.” _What._

“What?” _What._

“I understand if you don’t feel the same way, but it’s the truth.” Eddie is looking everywhere but at him.

This is everything Buck has ever wanted to hear, stuff that he only allowed himself to dream about in his loneliest times. Knowing he could only have Eddie as a friend, as a coworker, that there was no chance of there being more, _and yet._ Here was Eddie, beautiful Eddie, pouring his heart out to Buck, and Buck can only imagine how dumb he looks right now with his mouth wide open. He’s pretty sure drool has started to drip down his chin.

This is everything Buck has ever wanted, and he has no idea how to respond. So he kisses him, it’s the only thing he knows to do. 

And Eddie kisses him back.

It’s fast and rough and Buck is trying to pour every ounce of _love_ into it. Trying to show Eddie how much he means to him, even though the words can’t quite form on his tongue. The same tongue that’s found its way into Eddie’s mouth. 

Sweet, beautiful, wonderful Eddie who starts to pull away and all Buck can think is _nonononono._ He has to show Eddie, has to prove how much he means to him. This is the only way he can do it, the only thing he’s good at. Buck knows that sex is the reason most people stay with him, the only thing he’s good at. 

So when Eddie pulls away from his mouth, looking absolutely wrecked (Buck can’t look much better) Buck takes it as a chance to attack his neck. 

“Buck…” _Show him how much you care._

“Buck, hey…” Eddie’s hands find his way to his face, if Eddie wants to manhandle him, move Buck how he likes, _I’d do anything for him._ But Eddie just takes his head into his hands _gently._ Buck can’t do anything but sob at how it feels. “Buck slow down okay?”

“Am I…do you…” Buck’s confused, _this_ is what he’s good at. No one’s ever told him to slow down, he’s never had the heart to ask them too either. Eddie just shakes his head.

“Yes I want to, I want to do everything with you. But right now you’re injured, and Chris is in the other room, and you just went through a natural disaster. We both did.” Eddie’s still cradling him in his hands and Buck hopes he doesn’t mind that he’s basically _nuzzled_ himself into the palm of his hand. 

“Let’s just take this slow alright?” Buck nods, but he can’t help feel dejected. Eddie must catch on, because of course he does, and leans into Buck for another kiss. Slower, sweeter, everything Buck had imagined kissing Eddie would feel like, when they break apart Eddie rests his forehead on Buck’s. They could stay like that forever, neither of them would mind. 

But Buck feels his eyelids drooping and Eddie can’t help but stifle a yawn and they both chuckle at the state of themselves. Eddie stands up and holds a hand out to Buck, nodding his head to the direction of the bedroom. Buck just cocks an eyebrow. “I thought you said…” 

“Just lay with me, Evan. Nothing else.” 

“Okay.” If that’s all they ever did for the rest of their lives, Buck wouldn’t mind. 

They make their way over and collapse onto the bed. They both smell like salt water and there’s still sand stuck in unmentionable places. But for right now at this moment he has his job and he has Eddie. And Eddie has him.

And at this moment, that’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the curtain closes, just for now though! I plan on writing other fics in this universe so keep an eye out! 
> 
> I really want to thank everyone who's read this and left kudos and comments, when I first posted this I never thought anyone would read it. but look at us now!! 
> 
> I plan on writing another au, you guys seem interested in highschool so I'm gonna get started on that soon, it's pretty much outlined already I just have to flesh it out
> 
> (i had Eddie's confession written like at the beginning of writing this whole fic lol)
> 
> anyways thank you all again!!! hopefully, I'll see you soon, follow me on Tumblr @ adhdbuck you can yell at me about buddie or anything, even shoot me a prompt, who knows?


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